He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
