Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
