I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
