I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
