So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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