In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
