i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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