Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
