He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
