i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
