mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
