i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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