never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
