Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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