I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
