Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
