I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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