Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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