you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
