nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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