Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
