When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
