Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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