But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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