He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
