I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
