so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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