the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
