We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
