I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
