somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
