so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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