I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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