how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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