I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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