I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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