Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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