Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
