failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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