I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
