Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
