My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
