Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
