I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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