Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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