I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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