He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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