got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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