Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
