my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
worst night to have a conscience
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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