Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
