it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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