just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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