Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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