Umm I'm too high to move.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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