I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
