I bet he comes in French.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
