I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
